spilt sour milk

[Kender]

well a few minutes ago i was puked on by a 1 year old... in what that shirt i was going to wear to the christmas party at work. now i smell like a mix of sour milk, apples & bannanas.
i need to wash the smell out of my shirt. it makes me gag.

For some reasion that smell made me think of how little i see Scud and how far apart we have drifted. it makes me sad. Though a part of me sees him not caring or wanting me around, dispite what he says. He oftin says actions speak louder than words.
*sigh*
so what do his actions say in my eyes?
Obviously i tie the smell baby puke to it. basicaly what im trying to say is; i feel like i am losing my best friend... and it hurts.

i'm gunna go take a shower and wash my shirt.

[scudknight]

The puke of a 1 year old, the feeling of wanting to gag, these things you associate with me... how appropriate. Makes hella sense, actually.

For some reasion that smell made me think of how little i see Scud and how far apart we have drifted...

There's no "we" in that. I made a choice, you drifted. I backed away because you needed to work things out with chooch, and aside from that, even if I did want to exert effort, I couldn't because every single moment I had a chance you were off with Jason. Had you even focused 1% of that on "us", I would have been content.


Though a part of me sees him not caring or wanting me around, dispite what he says. He oftin says actions speak louder than words.
*sigh*
so what do his actions say in my eyes?

So what do they say in your eyes then? Can you not say that my actions were sympathetic to your needs, that at least with you in residence that I somehow still had a place in your life, that I was willing to be the martyr for you? It is a slow death sentence I serve daily not being able to adventure with you, to give you up to everyone else in every way.

See there is a difference in the martyr I thought I was to the martyr I turned out to be. I turned out to be the pervert, the one who was seeking you out and getting turned down, when such was not the f*cking case. I have been dishonored, and my feelings crushed so that you could spare another. You dismissed me behind my back, and you never held true on any promise you made to me except not being able to get rid of you - which I totally wonder, were you ever there?

i feel like i am losing my best friend... and it hurts.

If I am your best friend, then I would hate to see one you call enemy. You and Jason are my best friends - what does that say about who I am? Jason has his opinions on this matter I'm sure, I don't really care to know - but now I have no one to share with. Nobody to help me. You and Jason are friends.
Does it hurt? I can't say how to feel about that, knowing you it will pass within hours and will never surmount to anything resembling the pain I've experienced for the last couple of months - and will never compare to the betrayal and hurt I experienced last night. YOU talk of honor and loyalty, but when you were called up to the mound you walked the batter. I can still hear you screaming after me as I walked away fed up with the matter, and I knew what would happen after that like f*cking clockwork. Damage control. There was no intent on the sound of your yell, and it failed to mean anything the moment it came out of your mouth.

I'm done mouthing off. I'm beating a dead horse and these words will fade out into the empty internet without meaning or acknowledgement. I think it all started to make sense when I got this feeling that you were avoiding me, because you were sick of the possiblity that there would actually be a confrontation, that you would have to face me and actually have to lie to my face again - the only thing I don't get is why you felt the need to do so... Adeiu.

[Andy]

Sorry to interrupt... what the f*ck is PrOn.. apperantly someone made me the master of it in this forum. Is that supposed to be "porn"? Oh well, it peaked my curiousity so I felt the need to ask... next question... what the f*ck is chooch? If Im gonna be called names atleast pick something from my tiny ever exceedingly desintigrating from too much alcohol vocabulary. Sorry Scud, I know you had something important going on here and I waited patiently for your reply, but i was waiting for my turn to ask questions about the names.

I know Im nowhere near the top of your list of advice givers, but I feel like returning a favor. P.S. She's going to move out if things dont get better, just a friendly heads-up. My existance in your lives is partially responsible for all this. Im not taking all the blame, thats for damn sure, but wouldnt it be fair to say that neither one of you has been completely honest? You both had your reasons, Scud if you lied to me, i forgive you. Vera if you lied to me, i forgive you. How about you guys just talk about it, in person, sober, GET IT ALL OUT ONCE AND FOR ALL, and restore the harmony in your apartment? "Victims, aren't we all" name the movie...

[scudknight]

Look, I'm not going to expand on this further. Not here. It's not even worth it anymore.

NEVER, EVER, in your life insinuate that I lied ever again. And if you don't think I'm serious about this one, ask her. Don't even comment on it. This thread is dead. Andy check your messages.

[Andy]

That still didnt answer my question about the names.... and if you're lieing to me I'll insinuate it all I please untill I discover the truth for myself since you're both saying the other one's the f*cking liar... your threats of never insinuating anything arent gonna get you shit. If you want me to believe a truth, then give me some proof, otherwise dont try telling me to believe anything either way cause Im not gonna be anybodies f*cking push over when comes to believing anything. I see honesty when people give me factual information that i deduct as the truth of the situation were the other side cant argue against it. If you feel it worth it to you to actually explain your side Id be happy to listen, but untill I know someone Im not going to take their word over A: a girl i love and B: someone Ive known for almost a year vs. someone Ive hung out with a hand full of times.

[Andy]

You know what? Never mind, Ive got too many problems to deal with at this point. Between trying to salvage a relationship and keep a quickly drowning bookstore alive, Im up to my f*cking neck with every problem I could have wished never existed. You guys deal with this, its between you two. I dont care whose lieing, whose telling the truth, and at this point Ive got entirely too much shit to be dealing with to get involved anyway. Hell, it isnt even my place or responsiblity anyway so see ya

[scudknight]

"your threats of never insinuating anything arent gonna get you shit." - That's because you didn't come over to face me about it. If I had read your last two posts before you coming over - instead of us being on the phone I prolly woulda had to hurt you over it. Sorry, just how I am. But nevertheless, the night is over and we have come to - an understanding.

In response (before Kender locks it), my word is truth. If I say something happened, it happened. No hard feelings, but I've spent longer committing truths and doing deeds than you have with the realization you were a heterosexual. If you don't know of them, you will eventually hear of them. I have no issue knocking any man down with the flick of my wrist on the issue of my honor. That is where the line is drawn. Say what you will of me, but never imply that I am a liar. I have only been in this town moreover a year, but eventually everyone will know my way. I do understand I will make enemies in doing so, but that's the fun part!

That being said, this is not a "pissing match". There are differences between you and I, sir. That is all, differences. I am a knight in every fashion and sense of the word, and that is my flaw. It is my flaw here, it has been my flaw in every decision I have made for the longest time. You have the luxury of being different. You, well I'm not sure what you are. But if you ask anyone what I am who knows me, any of the number of people I have had the gift of meeting in this town - including the ones I am at odds with or have screwed me over - including miss Vera, they will at least confirm that much - that I am of my word. So it should never have been a question because I'm sure if she's never said anything at all, she's said I was honorable. And that should have been enough for you.

EDIT - that being said, I'm off to gym then work. May the rest of your day be a better one. Let us not provoke each other any further.

[Andy]

We are friends at this point, there is no pissing match. And I dont think any less than honorable.

My final serious discussion with Vera went as I expected. She seemed not to hear 90% of what I said and in the end chalked everything up to, "you dont trust me". Baby, I called you out on everything, i asked you to start fresh and start telling me the truth... even the things you say "you just didnt tell me". I will always have a place for you in my heart others wont replace, take that with you where ever you end up. Take care of yourself always and dont let any guy treat you less than you deserve. But be honest with the next guy, fully, completely, you have to love him and only him for it to work. Dont end up with another one of those guys from your past, never think you deserve any less than the best.

But I cant help but think this all could have been avoided if you would have TALKED to me, found a way to express the things you had such a hard time saying on the spot, just gave me a little more insight on what you were thinking. I felt lied to because you left me out of things rather important for a boyfriend to know.

But thats where it ends. I loved you Vera, you should have done something to hold on to it, atleast gave something besides sitting quiet a shot. How many times have you found what we had, only once for me.

I wish you the best of luck with your new job, I think you're getting yourself on the right track in life. Stop giving these guys a free show of you naked body and let one of them earn the right to. If its what you enjoy then do what you will. I hope also everything works out at Brittnys (round two). Im ranting, but Ive been stuck at work 12 hours going on 17 so what else can I do.

I hope in the days to come, if you truly loved me, you'll try to put your thoughts on paper or prepare a speech on what could remedy the dishonesty factor, anything that you find as a conduit to telling me how you feel, what you feel, what you want, why you've made the choices you have in life. Ive never hid anything from you, no matter how good or bad, that doesnt make me a better person, I just wanted that level of trust between us. I like your new hair color. But you'd be beautiful bald so its irrelevant.

If we're are what you want, pick a day, be honest with me from that day forward, and I'll always love you as much is humanly possible for one person to love another.
Take care of yourself Scud, I hope you guys can make up at some point. Vera, my happiness = complete honesty... beating a dead chicken (cause beating a dead horse was taken a few replies up). And I love you, take it or leave it.

[Andy]

No one ever answered my PrOn question, Im still in the dark on that one... too many hits to the head with a stick i suppose, but i still gotta know, closure please. Jesus its 6 in the morning Ive been here almost 13 hours total and I really really really really really want to die, drink a beer, or play doom. One thing could have changed the entire course of events for us, the truth. Even if it just meant telling me what I already knew, its the attempt of telling someone you love how things are and what you want that tell a person like me, you love them.

[Andy]

Let me in Vera. Please. Take the time and make the effort to rebuild my trust in you. All it takes is one talk, but you'll have to do the talking. I'll listen. And I'll still love you. Trust Me.

[Kender]

both of you keep this shit off my forum... your problems with eachother should be solved out side of this site